Hire This Man!
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.....
- NAME:Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
- SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
- DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,what ever is available.. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
- DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitzstyle severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
- EDUCATION: Yes.
- LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
- PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
- MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
- REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
- HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
- PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS ?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment .
- MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER ?: If I had one, would I be here ?
- DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what ?
- DO YOU HAVE A CAR ?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do you have a car that runs ?'
- HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION ?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
- DO YOU SMOKE ?: On the job - no !
On my breaks - yes !
- WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS ?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
- NEAREST RELATIVE .....7 miles
- DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE ?:
Oh yes, absolutely.***Old People Rock! ***
A license plate like no other
Aarrr me heartys, a license plate like nay other ereseen before.
Preying --- It's good for the soul
An atheist was walking through the woods one day. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out:"Oh my God...!"
Time stopped. The bear froze.The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could You make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest returned. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen"
Beaglebot's Entirely Unofficial UnFaq
Beaglebot's Entirely Unofficial UnFaq
Journal #2157 posted to beaglebot's journal on 08-03-03 02:14pm.
Beaglebot's Entirely Unofficial UnFaq Version 2.0
All tricks checked and working as of Linkfilter version 2.9
Here are two bookmarks that I think everyone should have:
http://linkfilter.net/?cmd=search - Goes straight to the detailed search
http://www.linkfilter.net/?sort=random - Shows you random links. A great way to see old links
Did ya know?
When you do /who in chatter it sorts by tenure here at linkfilter.
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=lastseen will show you all of the people in order that they were last seen, so that you can see everyone. Including those with hidden login on (via clu)
Note: You can book mark journals like this one in your browser to help find them again easily
This is in the main faq but is a constant problem for some of us. To do a comment scan for the day if you screw up and comment on something without having it open in a new window:
(I finally got around to fixing the date and the editable url should work again. Detailed search is easier tho, give it a look)
Trick if you accidentally lose the new comment scan is to edit the URL. http://www.linkfilter.net/?s=l&search=&user=&category=&date=&edate=20031130 will do comments from 11/30/03
Tired of bookmarking something and having it go away from the window with what ypou want to see? Just right click (APPLE-Click if you use a Mac) and use "open in new window, lets you keep your place and book marks the page for you
To delete a bookmark, go to "my bookmarks and just click the bookmark icon again (thanks to FuzzyDave for this info)
Want to see old posts? I have http://linkfilter.net/?sort=random set as my home page so the first thing I see is an assortment of old goodness then I just hit the linkfilter logo to take me to the recent goodness
to /p someone with a space in their name use an undercore "_" instead of the space
Linkfilter RSS feed:
Chatter colors 0-7
0-7 is Black through Grey. 8-14 repeats the same color but bright (Light black-White)
To edit a journal, click on the journal number and the familiar notepad icon will appear at the bottom right. Click it to edit
Some filters (don't forget about detailed search!):
101 it's the arts,
102 the wired,
104 fun and games,
105 God's & government,
106 the "other" pile,
107 locals only,
108 current events,
109 blogs & zines,
110 some dude/some chick,
111 the biz,
112 blinded by science,
114 strangely funny,
117 the god ol' days
there seems to also be a minrating=
http://linkfilter.net/?s=p;is_open=1 - open polls
http://linkfilter.net/?cmd=search - detailed search
http://linkfilter.net/?s=j - journals
all flowing sort by highest first:
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=journals - users sorted by number of journals
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=comments - users sorted by number of comments
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=links - users sorted by number of links
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=login - users sorted alphbeticaly
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=xp - users sorted by xp
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=level - users sorted by level (sorts by id number for users at the same level)
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=rating_in;min_votes_in=9 - users sorted by ranking
http://linkfilter.net/?s=u;sort=id - users sorted by id number
http://linkfilter.net/?bookmarks=2 - everyones bookmarks at once?
http://linkfilter.net/?bookmarks=1 - my bookmarks
http://linkfilter.net/?sort=rating;date=week(0) - (0) = this week, (-1) = last week, etc.
http://linkfilter.net/?date=month(0);sort=rating -(0) this month, (-1) last month, etc
http://linkfilter.net/?id=2 shows link by id number
http://linkfilter.net/stats/ - Usage Statistics - Last 12 Months
http://linkfilter.net/?sort=accessed - last accessed by any means
http://linkfilter.net/?search=&user=&category=&date=&edate=&nsfw=&deleted=1&sort=date - see deleted links - with some editing you should be able to narrow that down quite a bit
Filters and their modifiers figured out so far
sorts from highest (or newest) to lowest
Adding ~ to the modifier reverses the order. For example:
~date - oldest to newest
none - Shows links regardless of sfw/nsfw
1 - Shows ones that are
none - shows ones that are not
dc - shows both
Here is an editable URL for you to modify the filters:
notes: 1) you don't have to put a modifier on them all, they'll just use the default 2) I still haven't figured out &edate
Eidt username to whatever you want and that url will show you all of the links with exactly 5 votes
w00t... Level up!!! Oh what a feeling.I finally made it to another level.
Re: Tracking 23, a collective GNN experiment [re: Glandmaster] #298772 Quote Reply
# There are 23 vertebrae in the human body
# Human DNA is broken up into 23 chromosomes
# The ideal orbit for a satellite is 23,000 miles above the Earth ("Clarke's Orbit")
# The Earth is tilted at an angle of 23.5 degrees (At the moment)
# A hedgehog maintains a metabolic temperature of 23 degrees
# There is a mass extinction every 23 Ma
# A full turn of the D.N.A. helix occurs every 23 angstroms
# The Barry Kavanagh lives in No.23 (Which was changed deliberately by Dun Laoghaire-Rathdown Co. Council.)
# 2/3 =.666
# 23 Skidoo
# There is no No. 23 bus in Dublin (There is a 22a )
# In the movie THX1138 (starring Robert Duvall and Donald Pleasance - directed by George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppala), the main police droid is number 23.
# 2+3=5 (all hail discordia etc.)
# In Foucault's Pendulum by Umberto Eco, the meeting in the Conservatoire des Arts et Métiérs in Paris, where some strange shennanigans take place, is held at midnight on June 23. In the The Third Policeman by Flann O'Brien, Policeman Fox goes mad and disappears on a certain June 23rd after having spent a whole hour alone in a private room with Policeman McCruiskeen and 'has never spoken to anyone since that day and he is as crazy as tuppence-half-penny and as cranky as thruppence.'...
# It's -23 celcius on Mars
# Pope John 23
# The Germans had 23 divisions on the Western Front in 1940 versus 110+ French
# Charlie Company - the troops responsible for the My Lai 4 massacre in Vietnam belonged 23rd division of the US Army
# Brian Boru died on 23 April 1014 (apparently killed by a viking named Brodar)
# The Dublin Easter Rising was set to happen on the 23rd of April 1916, but arms were late arriving so it took place on the 24th of April.
# Shakespeare as born on 23rd April 1565, and died on 23rd April 1616.
# Henry II (Enricus Rex) authorized the first British invasion of Ireland on 23rd of August 1170
# Dagobert II (The last Merovingian king) was killed on 23rd December 679 in the Ardennes forest of France.
# The design of the United States flag has changed 23 times since the declaration of Independence.
# There's 23 Million North Koreans.
# Father Saunier of Rennes-le-Chatteau spent 23 million francs.......in one year.
# Comet Hale-Bopp was closest to earth on the 23rd of March 1997
# 'The Maya continue to withhold many of their secrets but the facts that we do know exercise a certain fascination. Perhaps the most relevant of all is a very precise date they have left us - a date in the future rather than the past. Rather than using one calendar, the Maya used several, including a 260-day one for making predictions and the 365-day solar one similar to our own. The third, however, is called the Long Count, consisting of a continuous count of days beginning from the start of the current world age on August 13 3114 BC, and running through a cycle of some 5,200 years. It is due to end on December 23rd, 2012, giving us a date for the end of the world.' *Myths of the Maya* - *The Irish Times* Saturday, April 24, 1999.
# 23 April 1014--Brian Boru defeats Vikings @ battle of Clontarf
# 23 April 1556 --Bill Shakespeare born, Stratford
# 23 April 1616 --Shakespeare dies, Stratford
# 23 April 1616--Cervantes dies, Spain
# 23 April 1950 --Lucille Ball & Desi Arnez form Desilu Productions
# Paul O'Neill was a member of George W. Bush's war cabinet for 23 months. Chaos!
soulorcell> /link url
funkyphd> thanks, let me give it a shot...
* * * ultrafastx pats soulorcell consolingly
funkyphd> http://www.linkfilter.net/?id=4- 7067
smith> nobody hates you...
smith> that takes time and effort.
funkyphd> that was probably a miserable effort, eh?
soulorcell> just copy the url by right clicking in the post#, then come to chatter and type /link space paste url, and put a description after it if you want...
soulorcell> that was perfect...if you don't want the url to be the hyper, you can add a description...
funkyphd> thanks again
Wow I passed the two hundred thousand mark today,"WHOOT."
Saw Quentin Torentino today on the program "On Air with Ryan Seacrest", saying that there will not be a third Kill Bill movie, for at least another fifteen years. He says that the scene of the sword hung on the wall, is a symbol that represents peace and somewhat of an end to the events of the woman's character. (for now anyway)
A REPOST what else? I'm going to try something . See if I can get to post a word to link to another place.
Well it's been a while. Been busy shoveling snow and trying to keep warm, but spring is just around the corner, so things are looking brighter and warmer every day. We are now on the plus side of the thermometer; snow is melting and I can actually see grass along the sidewalk. My indoor plants are going crazy flowering, and even the plants I got from the city last fall, who are stowed away in the dark corners of my basement are sprouting leaves. Don't know how this is possible, but they are growing. Should have shaken more dirt off the root system before putting them away. All my flowering plants in the house are in deed flowering, even my Christmas cactus is blooming for the second time.The only plant not flowering is my british amerilus. Oh well it's still a beautiful green. I am now only 99,990 xp points away from the next level which is level 22.
Well another year has past and I made it. My birthday was pretty good as my wife sorta finnished early so we could go out to dinner. Went to a restaurant called 100 georges, only to find out it was not open on Sundays. Ended up by where my wife works. Nice place, food was really good, service not bad, and the price was excellent. Went to do some gambling at the slots and I didn't do too bad but Deb got lucky and won a jackpot, lucky her.
Well did it again. Leveled Up. Made it to level 20; finally after four months from the last level up. Oh well I don't mind so much . Kinda took my time plus was out doing the summer thing: (camping). Since Millermeteor75 has sorta been quiet and Grimrides (sadly), I've learned through the grape vine he is in the same age bracket as FD, and myself. Imagine that. Hope Fuzzy doesn't feel like he's the only one. Not that I think he really cares; who gives a fuck how many birthdays anybody has had in a lifetime. Garden is giving up it's riches as fall approaches. Brought in a couple of pretty big cucumbers and tomatoes, with more on the way. All that fertilizer helped the soil this year. Oh well guess thats all for now.
Well made it to the next level. Yeaaaaah Baby. Last night I posted another fucked up link. I really don't want to do that but, it seems to happen more often than I want.Might it be a redirect or something like that. Had to give directions, like a road map, in order to get to the posted link. First click here, then click there, after that go here, then go there. My GOD what a mess. People still managed to view the link, and even voted on it. That's great. Linkfilter still very enjoyable even with the road maps.
Well, came back home on wednesday afternoon, after a little trip to my sisters' house down in SARS country (Toronto, Canada) Did a bit of work in the house with my 78 year old dad.We actually got her floor ready, to install her ceramic tiles she recently bought.Took the sqeeks out, and there was quite a few let me tell you. Weather was beautiful. A couple of, sunny, spring, days;temperature even reached 26 degrees celcius.Maveric, her pure bread boxer,has certainly put on weight over the winter. She will need to walk him more often. Well guess that's all for now.
Well, made it to level 17 a few days ago. Cranberrylush and Robinrobin were very helpful in helping me obtain the correct url for a link I was asking administration to delete. Don't understand why the link didn't work for me. The link suggested by CBL, with a few adjustments, finally got the job done. The url she showed me was somewhat different than the original. My appreciation goes out to both of them;I need all the help I can get, thanks people.FD was trying to contact me, for what seemed like hours to him I imagine, cause I wasn't replying, but after a who's there scan, FD realized kid-ney was not present or accounted for.Oh well win some,lose some.I thanked him for all the XP points I accumulated by his comments posted on my link.(14) Hope to return the favor some day.Actually he was trying to contact me because I fucked up another link, forgetting to put a period before the html.My thanks go to FD as well.Nice people at this Linkfilter site.
Well, made it to the next level. Never thought I'd be reading so much on the computer. It is, still enjoyable, but sometimes frustrating because other people post the same links. Their links are like copyrighted. But thats all good. People would simply repost right. HA HA, as if they don't now. OH well guess it's what they call life on the web.It's still fucking cold outside. (-13c)Just a few days ago snow was melting. (YES)Cat is starting to go out more now. Dog, same ol', same ol'.Think I lost another fish; can't seem to see him anywhere. Maybe somebody ate him? Well guess thats all for now.
Never thought i'd have a journal; but i guess never say never. Had a small chat with, uhmmmm, one of the linkfilterers last night. Hope he or she doesn't think I'm too full of it, or pompous. If this person does, I'm sorry to come across like this. It is not what I intended. Oh well win some lose some. Made level 15 today. YEAH. I find Linkfilter very enjoying.