A little while ago I set 4 goals to achieve before I ditch LF for Europe for 2 months.
1) Secure a spot on the second page of users listed by XP;
2) Break a hundred thousand points;
3) Stay ahead of anyone who joined after me;
4) Touch myself “down there” while thinking of fb- and matt garrett making out.
While I can successfully check off 1 and 4, and I’m on pace for number 2, Savage Wit is close behind me threatening to overtake me any day now. Yet I am irresistibly drawn to his link, polls, journals, etc… If this continues I will have to replace goal number 3 with the following
3) Genetically splice together Savage Wit and LordDimWit, or at least draw a really cool picture of the resulting Savage Dimwit.
I hope it doesn’t come to that, because I really can’t draw or mutate genes.
>A school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
>of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a
>morning press conference, U.S. Attorney-General John Ashcroft said he
>believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is
>being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
>"al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
>solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
>of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to
>themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to the axis of
>the median with coordinates in every country.
I got this as an email forward today. It's quite lame, but I thought I'd share.
ITEM! Movies they're worth it.
Yesterday, I am ashamed to admit, I watched both The Rundown
and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
By choice. The Rundown, however, was quite enjoyable. Good action, pretty funny, and The Rock is probably the best action hero to come along in a while. For one thing, he can act. He's got great comedic timing and delivery. I think he was funnier than Stiffler. That being said, it fell flat in a couple of places. "Was that line supposed to be funny? I think that line was supposed to be funny." I know anxiously await for The Rock's next movie to be available on DVD or video. Or Kazaa.
LXG was delightfully horrible. I had to see it though, because I'm a big Alan Moore fan, and I loved the book.
But just as From Hell
was barely based on its Graphic Novel
predecessor, so was the League. And it's not like I didn't like the movie because it didn't live up to the book, it's just that had I not read the comic, the movie would have made little to no sense at all. The comic is quite high-brow that either requires an extensive knowledge of Victorian Literature, or notes.
The movie had too small a budget to do anything good with special effects and the sci-fi and fantasy aspects that work so well in literature and comics, come off as REALLY hokey on film. Yet, I was in the right mood and thoroughly enjoyed how terrible it was.
I think Alan Moore must realise that his writing can’t be adapted to script well no matter what, so he may as well just take the money and run. I think I can respect that.
ITEM! I'm gonna build a lectern.
So I wanna build a lectern so that I can put a giant dictionary on it and always have it readily available to settle word disputes. They happen often around me. I was thinking acrylic, but now that I think about it, wood is both easier to work with, and will look better where I want to put it. I want to do something contemporary but also with a antique feel, which is very hard to put off, so I might settle for either or.
The web is surprisingly empty. Tonnes of sites for the sale of huge ugly lecterns for auditoriums or churches, but nothing like what I’m looking for. I have seen a few cool ones though; the coolest modern lectern I’ve seen so far had a face that was basically a warped spade, rather than a plain square. I’m more hung up on the podium and stem design, I want something funky, but I don’t have anything more than basic carpentry equipment.
My other idea for the face (I doubt it’s called the face, but I don’t know what else to call it) is to burn an open book into it. Perhaps two pages from the Bible, or a copy of a Shakespearean manuscript.
Actually, maybe even something Terry Gilliam inspired, as in really mechanical looking.
Any suggestions? Resources? Designs?
ITEM! Teens can't handle their booze.
I went to see a student run double bill of Ionesco plays this weekend, The Bald Soprano and Jack or The Submission. The Bald Soprano was quite entertaining, though I didn’t get much of any deeper message from the play. Theatre of the Absurd is simultaneously easier to do than regular theatre, and harder to pull off. It’s easier in the sense that all you need to do is act crazy and if the show doesn’t make any sense, Mission Accomplished. But you can’t just blow your load right away. You have to engage the audience and the beginning so that they are interested enough in your play that they can laugh with you as it all devolves into chaos. I enjoyed The Bald Soprano but was worried at first since it was way too crazy, way too quickly. Jack or The Submission, however, was not as good. A few of the characters were funny, and there was probably more subtext to be gained from the play, but I wasn’t in the mood to think about it. It was a little too long and I was anxious for the end. Actually, I can’t really say more than that, so I won’t. At the end of each piece, however, there were awesome, but short, ballet movements. It was a really interesting idea that worked wonderfully for the plays. The first one acted as a sort of visual sorbet in between the productions, since they had little in common with each other. The second dance, however, was used during the climax of Jack, and it drew my waning attention back into the play for the following final 10 minutes. Anyway, the purpose of this entry is not to tout the supreme awesomeness of Eugene Ionesco, nor to convey that his plays are hard to pull off, but to talk about barfy teenagers.
Walking down the street after the play, we saw a group of teens sitting on a well-lit bench in between two buildings puking everywhere. There was a huge coach bus pulled over by the side of the road that they were clearly kicked off of. These suburbanite teens were bussed in to barf in my neighbourhood, so I had to do what anyone in my position would do. Take pictures and post them on the web. At least that was the plan. The pictures wouldn’t have turned out from our vantage point so we crossed the street to get some close-ups. One guy noticed the camera before I could get a shot off.
“Yo,” he barked, “what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Um. You guys wanna be in a magazine?”
I don’t know why I thought they would. I thought they’d all be jumping up and down saying “Yeah! Hell yeah! A magazine!” but as the words came out of my mouth I realised how sleezy it sounded.
“You ever hear of Vice magazine? We’d like to use this as a background for an article.”
“Get the fuck outta here,” replied the young Gino. Then his “Boyee” stood up. “Gino, is there a problem?” The Boyee was white, 4’11” and had cornrows. The basketball jersey he was wearing came down past his knees.
“No problem guys, just wanted to know if you wanted to be in a magazine.”
At this point one of the girls came to talk to us. “Hey guys,” she slurred, “Pleaassse, don’t take our picture right now. Pleeaasse.” Judging from the puke in here braces, she was not having the best time. Maybe because the whole thing was very pathetic, but mostly, if not wholly, because I didn’t want my camera smashed, we left without taking a picture, doing loud Tony Micelli impressions as we walked away.
ITEM! George Carlin on Religion
George Carlin on religion
When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.
I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?
And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!
ITEM! Something is beeping.
The beeping won’t stop. There’s a beep coming from the ceiling every 2 minutes 47 seconds. You see, I originally thought it was coming from the fire alarm, because, you know, that would make sense. I thought, “Hmmm. Better change the battery.” But no.
I took off the cover, and … no battery; it runs off of the house’s electricity. So what could a single beep every 3 minutes mean, if not, “Change my damn battery?” I check everything, recheck everything, reset the alarm, but nothing stops it. So I rip the alarm from the ceiling. But the beeping continues. Except it’s not coming from the alarm anymore, it’s just coming from the hole in the ceiling. BEEP! Wha? Holes don’t beep. I get up on the ladder and wait for the next beep. BEEP! Not coming from the hole. It’s coming from down the hall. I go to the light fixture down the hall and wait. Why would a light beep? I don’t know but there’s nothing else on the ceiling to beep. BEEP! Okay, it’s coming back from the hole. So it’s either alternating locations or its coming from some place in the middle. Okay the corner of my hall is beeping. Conclusion: Ignore it the best I can, get some sleep and go into the attic after work today.
To be continued…
ITEM! I don't have to kill myself.
Well, I had basically given up at trying to find out what song it was that I heard.
Bear had given me some good resources but there were so many songs that I had never heard of that I would have had to download that I basically gave up.
, however, sent me the song tonight. How did she find it? She was going on the same info as me. Is she some sort of fantastic cyber-sleuth? That would explain it. But, no, she had the TV on but wasn't paying attention to it , when it came on by fluke. On Without a Trace
. So she was able find out where the song was from. And without further ado,
Mad World - Gary Jules
From the album "Donny Darko Soundtrack"
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places – worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere – going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression – no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow – no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday – happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen – sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me – no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me – look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it’s a very very
Mad world . . . world
Enlarge your world
It was from Donnie Darko, which I saw 2 years ago, not a recent episode of The Gilmore Girls.
Incidentally, it *was* on an Episode of Smallville, but last year, and SSC didn't see it.
Download it and enjoy it, 'cause it's really quite beautiful.
Thanks to those who helped.
Last night I made it on Rick Mercer’s Monday Night Report. It’s a Canadian rip off of the Daily Show, but the commentary isn’t all that funny. The bits, however, are great. I was interviewed by Daryn Jones at the Toronto Sportsmen’s Show (he’s from the Buzz, which is another Canadian TV show, but it is funny). Basically, he asked me a few questions about a sleeping bag.
Him: Yeah, but is it comfortable?
Me: Oh, it’s cozy all right.
Cut to headshot of him in sleeping bag.
Him: You were right… this is cozy.
Camera pans down to reveal me in the bag with him.
Me: I told you.
Duck calls heard in the distance.
It was pretty funny but my face was obscured by the bag, and I was more nervous than I wanted to be.
Seeking help from people who can match a song from a poor description.
I had dinner with my girlfriend at Milestone's on Saturday, and there was a song playing. We had both heard it before, and we think it's quite recent. It's a sad sounding song, but it's really quite beautiful.
Unfortunately, we can only narrow it down to this: we think it was on an episode of ER this season. Alternatively, she thinks it may be from Gilmore Girls, of which I've only caught a few episodes this season, and I think it might be from Smalleville, of which she's only seen 2 episodes this season. I have a feeling it could be from one of those WB shows because they do that “Songs featured in this weeks episode” thing at the end of each show. Come to think of it, the O.C. could be an option too.
Okay LF, help me out. I will give 4.5 of 9 Billion dimPoints to the one who figures out the song for me. ( I need to keep some points for Final Jeopardy).
The only other clues I can give, is that there is a piano in the song, and it kinda sounds like something Live would have released, had they put out an album this year.
Man, this is going to curse me forever. No hope at all.
So. My girlfriend teases me for being part of an "online community". Probably because I say stuff like "online community", and use otter as an insult, and talk about mailing gnomes to people I haven't met.
She also has a lot of fun with how geeky all the comments that I post sound. Recently she's been threatening to create an account, call herself SuperSegaChalmers, and use it to flame me and out-cool me online. I explained that SegaGenesisChalmers would make more sense. She laughed harder. I love her.
I just figured out what's so great about linkfilter for me. It's just like an old school BBS. Well, not exactly like a BBS but the chat board is there. You log on, see what's been posted, make fun of someone, crack wise with another,and then read a hella long debate about gay marriage. Well that's new too, but still, you know what I'm getting at.
Now, if we can only get p-no and glitch to code a web-based version of L.O.R.D.(Jennie Garth is hot!)