Reapre's Human Husbandry
Posted by reapre 8 years ago
If you're like me then you probably try to do roughly half of the household chores but you are constantly proclaimed to be a lazy bastard by your beautiful spouse lady. There will never be an agreed-upon reckoning for the true chore distribution midpoint for a variety of reasons pertaining to human nature. You will simply never, ever agree upon the appropriate weight to assign to each of the tasks that you each must do in the upkeep of your shared household.  
The best you can do (or at least what I do) is to try to do roughly more than half of it all. However, you are still invariably likely to be accused of the fourth deadly sin. (*1)  
It isn't because wives are evil or stupid, necessarily(*2). It's just human nature to notice only those unpleasant, routine actions that we see being done. So you have a few choices. You can revel in your laziness like millennia of men before you. Or you can do your fair share and debate it with your wife ad nauseam. Or you can do an undeniably greater preponderance of the chores(*3).  
So how does one rectify the perception of laziness that is beginning to pervade your spouse's mental image of you? Ahh, I'm glad you asked. You came to the right thread.  
Note, these techniques are not to be employed by the truly lazy. I don't actually have any way of enforcing this rule, but I assure you that your children will sniff out the truth in time. And there's nothing worse than having your kids side with your spouse (or so I'm told), especially when you're dead wrong and everyone knows it.  
That being said, here is my top secret advice. [Yes, I know it is exceedingly likely that my own spouse will eventually read this (if she hasn't already figured me out), but it is a noble sacrifice I'm willing to make for all of husbandkind.]  
In all that you do, do it slightly askew. You must gently nudge those unseen tasks gently back into their view. Don't do it wrong, mind you. Just do it differently right.  
You can employ these techniques or analogous ones in a ham-handed manner like my father-in-law did in the infamous "My Fingers Are Too Big" feint(*4), but I urge you to exercise restraint lest your feeble attempts backfire. These methods must be employed with utmost caution and wisdom. Caveat Lector!  
Thou Shalt Leave Thy Toilet Paper Rolls Factory Sealed When You Replace Them. (Not shrink-wrapped, stupid.) You know how the end sheet is kinda glued to the roll so it doesn't unravel? Leave it alone. She will know that it was replaced by a benevolent husband because nobody but nobody puts a toilet paper on the roll unless they needs to. Related Topic: You just had to take a shit before she got home, didn't you? Enter Plan B: Immediately flip the roll over so it's streaming from the opposite side. Note, Plan B must not be over-used lest it turn you into a bumbling imbecile who cannot seem to do anything right. But when used sparingly, Plan B can suffice to alert even the most self-absorbed of spouses to your household contributions.  
Leave Thee Thine Vacuum Cleaner Out After Using. Alternatives: Wrap the cord up in a noticeably different manner. Or, replace in a slightly different manner those rugs, end tables, and/or ottomen(*5) that were displaced by your diligent vacuuming. Or, dump the vacuum bag into the trash can in a manner such that the next item thrown away will result in a magnificent billowing mushroom cloud of dust and hairballs. Which paradoxically leads me to the next method..  
Thou Shalt Taketh Out The Trash. Garbage extraction is your job. As far as she knows, the garbage fairy takes it out when nobody's looking. Look, it's futile to whine about the reverse sexism implicit in this dictum. It has never been her job and it never will be her job except on those occasions when she wants to do something super-easy to underscore her condescension of you. When in doubt, just take out the damn trash.  
Laundry Is Best Hanged Wrongly. I think my wife has tried to pull a ladylike but still ham-fisted version of this on me. I have socks and shirts that still retain the faintest tinge of pink from a single red garment that was tossed in with the whites, many moons ago. Point of order: You are not trying to ruin the family's entire colour palette. Your actions must be as dainty as the lightest breeze, but with the gentle hint of a fart. Consider instead hanging items in anachronous locations. Hang a single item out of its seasonal section in the closet(s). Or hang a pair of pants with the shirts. Don't get too creative; they're smarter than us. Just be noticeable.  
Grocery Shoppeth Like A Blind Man Get aaaaalmost the right bread. Find a loaf of bread that is very nearly identical to your usual brand. Get the exact same type and subtype of milk, but from a different brand. Does she enjoy a particular generic item? Splurge on the brand name version. What the fuck, it's only like eleventy-twelve cents more (*6).  
- -Will add more as I notice them. These tips are highly intuitive. Many husbands have probably already stumbled upon these techniques throughout our history. It is up to you to apply them in a fair manner  
(*1) It's sloth, you heathen.  
(*2) or unnecessarily.  
(*3) Note, this is an absolute dick move. Look, I understand that you're a highly motivated, loving husband. But You Are Fucking It Up For The Rest Of Us. Quit it already. Channel that energy into a something awesome like a unified theory of physics.  
(*4) He broke one item every time he washed the dishes, which eventually led to him being removed from the list of people in charge of dishes. But it was of course too overt and it also eventually led to many an hilarious anecdote at his expense.  
(*5) ottomen is the plural of ottoman. In the time that it takes you to look up this dubious assertion, you could have vacuumed the room.  
(*6)citation: The Intranational Journal of Husbandry, Vol 24, pp. 37-39, letters to the editor : "Linkfilterer Reapre Is Deemed Legally Awesome By A Jury Of His Peeps."