current thoughts
I've decided,that even if I stay out of the milieu here ,I can at least journal.too lazy to look elsewhere I guess.Nothing too new.I think about Alan every day....when I saw his SS statement I was frightened,no income in 2006?there are only a few scenarios where that can happen in his age group.Most arent good.steve called Scott and he did come thru for me a little bit..A DWI in March 2006.At least he was alive then.Even that footprint is better than nothing since fall'03 or 04?.I asked for more and have called Scott several times but nothing.I think he is done with it.i dont know why.I am really worried and if I made a determined effort,leg work,knocking on doors,flashing a photo etc,going thru his mail etc,I might find more but even a week of moving back into the turmoil of his life is rough.I want so badly to be his dad,and care for me and help him...but he isnt a little boy any more.Sometimes the only way i can stay glued is to review the things he has done to us and others.I may never see him again.Thats hard enough but if something were to happen to him while we are so far apart...If he returned to our world?I dont know,..what to say.Barbara and the kids are so hurt and angry.Especially Michael,and So am I...Sometimes I think that all I can do is save the ones I have at home...Michael is turning tween on me and its scary.Will he change,hate us and turn on us and ultimatly leave us? we shall see.I hope not .Micheal is a gem.Bright and loving,and so much more....