The Inside Guide
Otter Loving Fucktards: This gorgeous phrase came about one day when we were discussing beavers on the couch. We had recently had "couch day" in which links about couches were posted and decided to have a beaver day. The beaver became the unofficial official animal of linkfilter. As the beaver is diametrically opposed to the otter (a little known, but true fact as a link was posted that described the destruction of beaver dams by the lowly otter) Those who were deemed assholes became otter-lovers. If you were a real asshole (and you know who you are) you became and OLFT.
Ipod? No sir! YOU Pod: You only wish you were around to experience the meltdown that was VampyreDelight's exit from the filter. She went on a rampage not seen since the days of Antimusic. Her classic exit line, posted first to one of glitch's ipod posts and then to every other recent link were the immortal words: Ipod? No sir. YOU Pod. And current filters still salute her by shouting the phrase from time to time. Though, in doing a check, she has been active on the filter recently, so maybe we'll see an enterance line soon.
HatePup: What can be said about the little dog with the big heart? Not much except don't piss him off. HatePup appeared on the scene to taunt those less intelligent with the battle cry of "Leek My Bahlz." And you better believe he wants them licked. Mattgarrett, who thankfully appears only rarely, was the first to experience the vitriol and righteous indignation of the pup. The dog likes his cookies and will taunt you mercilessly. He also makes chatter appearances after seven p.m. FuzzyDave is HatePup's handler, and seems to translate his accent just right. The little dog hails from Foreignia and speaks Foreignian. Others have tried, but you can easily offend by trying to co-opt the pup. Lola-ice has become the pup's official photographer, much to the delight of the filters.
James Spader has no nipples: We wanted to see if we could get a celebrity gossip story going and decided that James Spader would be the perfect target. His marignal celebrity and his beautiful nipples became our target. We began to state in normal everyday conversation that he had no nipples and the appearance of nipples is merely his implants.
Skittlenips: Cornpone's nipples taste like skittles. This might or might not have something to do with James Spader's lack of nipples, but no one can be sure. Pone commented in the chat that his nipples tasted like skittles. How he knows this, no one thought to ask, but I'm sure it has something to do with a Gene Simmonsesque tongue. And if you don't believe him, you can always ask for a lick.
UFX's army of laser wielding horseshoe crabs: Once upon a time, jones was denied the title of Crusty Farmer in one of lorddimwitâs now infamous competitions. See, she was awarded the title, then stripped of said title. In the process of declaring that she would not be robbed, she threatened dimmy with laser-wielding horseshoe crabs. Ufx took over and created the wallpaper of doom that is laser-wielding crabs. These crabs were challenged by and ultimately defeated the laser-eyed gnomes. Included on the wallpaper was a demand to vote on jonesâ links. This Dr. Evil plot worked, and jones links were duly voted up and the crabs went back into the kiddiepool of evil that is ufx's lab.
Tbone loves cowboys: Though originally concerned about forgetting the origin of this meme, we did find a poll in which the world was first introduced to this forbidden love. Hbabe was disparaging western romance novels, when FuzzyDave claimed that madtbone loved called a lusty cowboy romance a real "CORKER." In a follow-up comment, the now infamous phrase was used and madtbone approved by laughing his ass off. We also know that somewhere (according to cornpone), on an overpass, a spray-painted sign lets the world know how tbone feels about hats and spurs. Oh yeah, and his spreads suck. (That will become clear when you are losing at madtboneâs tailgate.)
Clu is Spicy!: Clu was watching a commercial in which a man declared his spiciness and it then informed by his coworkers that he can't create his own catch-phrase. Determined to prove them wrong, clu announced his own spiciness in the chatter. From henceforth, clu was spicy and there was no doubt a man could create his own catch phrase.
Clutoris and Prophet of the Cube: clu likes the gamecube, in case you hadnât noticed. We believe the source of this love is generated by the clutoris a section of the brain that is also stimulated by all things Nintendo. He will also not be happy until all members of linkfilter purchase a cube, so he has assumed the mantel of prophet and pitchman of all things Nintendo. (His famous phrase âfor the birdsâ actually comes from a baby sitter who told him âDonkey Kong was for the birdsâ and began his life long quest to make Nintendo the love of all.)
Covered in Beeees: apparently there was a joke about women and coffee, and instead of strong and black, we like ours covered in bees. And then thereâs Homer Simpson whose afraid of the dogs that bark and shoot bees out of their mouths. These two things combine to give us the battle cry of âBeeeeees.â even though weâre not really all that fond of honey. (We prefer crack âround these here parts.)
laserboy: In case you didnât know, sometimes it does take a laser scientist. Ultrafastxâs handle comes from the fact that he is studying lasers. But letâs face it, sometimes itâs just easier to call a spade a spade and laser wielding scientist a laserboy.
Douchebaggery: is in fact a relatively new addition and is the act of engaging in being a douchebag in discussion. Clu began a special search for a certain unnamed user and titled the search âdouchbaggery,â the phrase having been coined earlier in the week by Jon Stewart of the Daily Show. Now, douchebaggery is called on anyone who becomes unwilling to follow a logical discussion in fear of being proven wrong.
âI challenge you to a duel!â: And then came the RNC and Zell Miller. After his firey speech he claimed he wasnât angry. Then he went on Hardball and performed a classic flip-flop by flying off the handle. When asked to clarify what he called a âmetaphor, sir.â he got angry and challenged Chris Matthews to a duel. Well, you canât let gold like that go, so now you better beware who you piss off on the filter, or you might get challenged to pistols at dawn under the old oak tree.
Puppies: The only way to atone for a particularly vicious battle or a long rant is to post a picture of that can only be described as the gif version of the cuteness. We love cute around here, just look at beagle. Though it was FuzzyDave who first started demanding puppies after a particularly long rant from darkstar. So now, whenever you rant, you better post that pic or face the ire of the filter community who read it and got no cuteness.
Frobozz Electric v. Affilated Industries: The filter is full of brilliant people. Brilliant people and hatred. No, it's true. Two of our intellgencia have a deep and abiding hatred of each other that manifests itself in their corporate fronts. Whenever they wish to express their disdain, jealousy and respect, they create corporate scandals and stockholder meetings and generally try to screw the other one over. The problem is, there are no coporations and we all worry about their rich fantasy life.
AngryFilter: Speaking of hatred and anger, we here at the filter are masters of it. Shigpit coined the phrase "Linkfilter: Because it's not enough just to disagree." (or something like that) But before that was ufx's old man wallpaper. An angry old man, declaring "Linkfilter. Visit. Post. Get Pissed." And boy do we. Created by ultrafastx after the beginning of our particularly vitriolic opening of election season.
Dirty, Filthy Tittie: Apparently there are some people out there who don't like boobs. I know, it sounds crazy, but it's true. So, when John Ashcroft, a major boob hater, covered up Lady Justice's exposed mammary gland, David Cross had a thing or two to say about it. Then came the Janet Jackson Uproar. Yet another boob unleashed on the world, and the boob haters all came out. Now we use the term "dirty, filthy tittie" to taunt prudes who complain about breast feeding and porn.
Fish/meat/whale/Hendrix: Well, the whole travesty began when some poor bastard in the chatter said that he was a vegetarian, but still ate fish. Of course I immediately said that this was horseshit (because it obviously is), and that would've been that, if it weren't for the efforts of one FuzzyDave, who started to violently and vociferously trumpet the categorical separation of meat and fish. Sparks flew, (see here and here [these would be links if smith gave a damn about linking, but since she doesn't, you'll just have to imagine.]), and before long it was clear that this debate was the most important issue on the face of the planet. Anyway, it got to the point where I said that I hadn't heard such a stupid argument since owl claimed that Jimi Hendrix was white (ok, so this didn't really happen [he claimed it, but owl never said it, which just goes to show what kind of guy lorddimwit is.]), and this opened up a new realm of discussion. Whale was also a troublesome meat, since it's a water-born mammal, like the beaver, otter, or muskrat, so we weren't sure. I guess we finally decided that Hendrix was whale, which technically made him meat, but he was also fish. Or something. I need some Aspirin. [courtsey of lorddimwit. editing and bracket comments by smith.]
Bacon: All polls must include a Bacon option, because bacon is manna, ambrosia, the food of gods, the salty snack that says "come as you are, and come salty." We here at the filter worship all things bacon. We also believe that anything wrapped in bacon is instantly better, so remember that next time you cut your finger and are looking for a quick cure all.
The Space Onleys vs. the Meatsackians. Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far way in the space known as BudTugly's journal #12961 linkfilter came upon a new and amazing species. The Space Onely. Apparently Beaglebot knew that these small creatures were living in BudTugly's butt, but once outed to the rest of the filter they began to make appearances in threads to challenge all the Meatsacks. FuzzyDave came up with a real picture of the Space Onely, which can only be described as a chinese crested dog crossed with gremlin. From that day forth, the Meatsacks on the filter were up against their greatest challenge ever: the Space Onely. (We can only guess was original intended to be a Space Monkey, but you have to love the Beagle and all his misspellings.)
and finally....with no explanation needed...
Matt Drudge is THE HEAT!!!
For more definitions of linkfilter terms, see ufx's lexicon in his journal. It's not linked, because I don't know how to link, and I don't care to learn.